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well i'm sick of being grounded. its been a month and its super annoying. especially for today. theres a party at ethans house and im so pissed that i cant go. i TOTALLY would have snuck  out to go. but tommy being the annoying thoughtful person he is. told me not to cause since i get caught for everythign. i'd probably get caught for that too....which is true i guess but at the time i didnt care. i just wanted to g to that party and i wanted to have fun for the first time IN A MONTH. but yeah, i guess even if he didnt advise me not to, i'd probably chicken out at the last minute anyway. ahaha whateever. i just wish i was there right now :/oh well i'll survive i guess....blah i just want to enjoy my life again. i only have so many days left of being a teenager and being able to live life to the fullest without having to worry about bills or jobs or kids or anything like that. i wont have the same opprotunities 5 years from now as i do today. and its frustrating cause i cant do what i want to do WHILE I CAN ACTUALLY DO IT. blah. this is so stupid

Can I just be happy for a full 24 hours?
Seriously, everyday I feel like shut at some point and it's really starting to annoy me :/ can't I just be happy? Please?

Writer's Block: Get up
If you had to eat the same breakfast everyday for a year (and it would be prepared and served to you), what would you choose?

distraction's a bitch
i am/was determined to learn a song on guitar. and now i'm here, on the comouter. failing at life -_-
i need to start takin adderal again. oh and guess what? 420 TOMORROWWWWW
im pumped. except for the fact that im grounded and i cant smoke :/ but thats no surprised cause i havent been able to smoke for about a month now....which sucks DICK. but yeah, i might just pop some pills or sumtin, at least i'll be high on 420 right? i mean i guess it counts.....i guess ahhhh whatever. im gonna try the guitar again

Writer's Block: Ticket to ride
If you could take an all-expense-paid two-week vacation to anywhere in the world with one friend or partner, where would you go and who would you take?

i would probably take my tommy or my rachelfer :) but chances are i would take tommy, and i wouldnt even care where we go really...just a roadtrip all over the country would be nice. i feel that the drive is so much better than the destination if youre with the right people. haha like my favorite part about long car rides is just blasting awesome up beat music and just jamming out with everybody yaknow? aha i dont know, i just think thats fun. also those really nice and long conversations you normally wouldnt have time to have because you always have to be somewhere or do something. but in the car, theres nothing to distract you except for the other person, which i think is great. when you reach the destination of wherever you become more distracted about the environment youre in and you kind of lose that connection you had when it was just you, thaat person, and the road ahead of you. not youre more focused on the new shops, or rides, or landscapes, or monuments and you get distracted again, and you kind of lose your attention of the other person and you dont really have those moments you had in the car. aha so overall i would just go on a giant road trip with my Tommy.

today was actually an alright day
okay so today was pretty good. well pretty good compared to the previous week. but today we went to new hampshire and we to this giant candle store. sounds lame right?well it wasn't. it was HUGE. and there was like twentydifferent rooms. there was one that was easzter themed and i got a picture with the easter bunny, i'm cool right? and there waan entire section for christmas, and i saw the single mos legit santa ever. his beard was real. like legit, REAL. and him and mrs. clause taught me origami! then theres a candy room, and an outdoorsy kind of room, it was pretty cool. and i got a candle :D (my mom normally doesnt trust me alone with open flames). and now my room smells like cinnamon buns. mmm it smells good. after we went to cracker barrel and i ate some friedchicken. overall it was good. wanna know why? cause did'nt get into any arguements with anyone AT ALL. for the past week an a half i would get into at least 3 arguements or conflicts with someone (normally my mom or sister) but it hasnt happened at all today! i was so stoked. of course the day wasnt neccesarily fantastic either, i just think thatg it was perfect timeing for a daylike today. normally i would just think of a day like this as, okay cool....candles. but no today i was all hyped up and enthusiastic and everything! it was nicee and also i got to talk to tommy for a couple seconds on the phone. (my mother took my iphone, and she deactivated it and ordered a new shitty phone for me. awesome rightt?) but yeah. i needed a day like oday. i have been absolutely miserable this past week and now i think/hope that things will be better now...welp i'm done ranting about nonsense today. i think i'll just goto bed now, g'nighttt

mmm my room smells so good right now ^-^

Writer's Block: Better than leftovers
If you had to eat the same thing for dinner every night for the next year, what would you choose?

chicken curry, take out, or stir fry...or pizza rolls. mmm definitely pizza rolls...

Is It Odd That I Have An Unhealthy Obsession With The Doors?
haha i dont know. i've been literally obsessed. yesterday i watched "When Youre Strange" and it was fantastic, now i'm downoading jim morrisons poetry, and i cant stop listening to them. i love their music, the people, their lyrics, their story. everything. i am infatuated with jim morrison. he completely fascinates me, everything about him. literally everything. is it sad that i completely idolize him? i understand he died from drinking too much, and he had some cocaine, LSD, and other drug problems. but still, his ideas are amazing. some of the things he did seemed completely wack. but his intentions behind them were good. after creating th band, he realized he had so much influence over an entire generation, and he wanted to make a difference, but when he tried to make a difference in Miami, everything went wrong and there was lawsuits against jim, and They became known as a dangerous band because of it. so i guess in a way i feel like i can relate to him, and i'm sure everyone can in a way. he had good intentions but screwed up. this has happened to me countless amounts of times as it had for jim, and just like him i turned to drugs (although not as heavy and often). everytime something went wrong, i'd eother grab a shot, smoke a joint, pop a pill or trip the fuck out. many people look at him like just another crazy kid that lived by sex drugs and rock n' roll, kind of like how i am percieved in a way at high school. but we're both not just those kids your parents warn you about, we are/were just misunderstood, and hurt, and no longer strong enough to fight against the worldon our own. we need to to have help from some of our friends like good ole mary jane and Jack. Jim Morrison is a hero to kids like me and kids like him. he was able to make something of himself and he gives me hope, not neccesarily about the whole dying at 27 from overdrinking. but for the fact that he was able to make a difference and change the world. thats all i really want to do and he proved that people with issues like me and him, us freaks can make something out of ourselves....wow. epiphany much?

Writer's Block: A night unlike any other
What was the best night of your life so far, and what made it so special?

hm, this is a hard one...

but i have to say, one of the best nights of my life was probably in january or february. it was nothing special really. i didnt have something incredibaly fantastic happen to e, didnt have some huge movie moment or anything. i just spent the night with my Tommy. i ate dinner with his family, which i did alot during that time...so that wasn;t neccesarily anything signifigant. but after we just went to his room and listened to music, just sat with each other listening to music. and later we fell asleep together in his bed. i dont know why, but that night it was probably the happiest i've been in a really long time. i was just relaxed, and didn't worry about anything, i was me and i was actually happy. and i gotto spend the entire day with the one person i could be my happiest with...ahaha i probably sound like one of those stupid teenagers right now, but hey whatever. it is what it is, i am a stereotypical teenager who thinks that theyre in love and that it'll last forever hahaha which sucls cause that normally doesnt happen...but a good thing is, i know that this relatinship will last at least a very long time. i didn't just date a guy that i thought was "hot" and cool and someone i just flirtedwith for a month and then suddenly went out with. Tommy was, and is, my best friend. he has been my best friend since i moved here a little more than a year ago. and that is completely different from most high school relationships. i've known him, and known him WELL, for over a year. i didnt just know the stupid flirty side of a guy most girls see before going out with them. i saw almost all sides of him. i saw him when he's "with the guys", i saw his sensitive and understanding side, i saw his angry side, i saw almost everything. and you know what, he also treated me like he did everyone else (at least before we dated) he acted the same when i was with him and the guys, nd when it was just me and him. he doesnt change who he his no matter who he's with. he's one of the guys who calls me beautiful in front of his friends, he tells me how much he loves me in front of them too. one day when he kissed me goodbye, one of our friends walked by and said "awwh how cute" and when i walked away i heard him respond and say "yup, thats why i love her". one day while walking down the hallway with him during school he said, "oh i wrote a page about you today" i asked what for and he responded with " well in english we had to write an essay about something or someone we love. and i wrote about you of course" he had the the silliest expression on his face like as if my question was rediculous and the answer to it was completely obvious. i couldnt stop smiling the entire day because of that.  he is seriously the sweetest guy to me and i don't deserve it. he took care of me when i was completely drunk and probably had alcohal poisoning ( not one of my proudest moments) as i was puking onto the ground, he would rub my back and tell me how much he loved me and helped me home. he physically stops me from smoking weed so i stay out of trouble. he took my lighters from me when he discovered i had intentionaly burnt myself, andhe would constantly check my wrists and reminds me everytime to call him next time i ever felt the way i did again and he will always be there for me. i love this kid so much and without him i probably wouldve been alot worse off then i am now. he keeps me sane, and right now he's the only person i can look to and know he will always be here, he makes me happy...which is something i havent been in a very long time.

i am so sorry for this extremely long rant about that. again i probably sound like one of those stupid sappy teenagers everybody (includung myself) hates. i just love this guy and i felt the need to write this.